Friday, July 20, 2012

A Letter of Concern

God
Celestial Design Department
247365 Enlightenment Blvd
Nirvana, the Cosmos 77777-7777


To the Head of the Celestial Design Department:

Let me first express my complete satisfaction and gratitude for your products Breathing 1.0 and Free Thought 20.12.  These have always worked perfectly for me and I have been delighted with them.  I have also been quick to recommend them to all my friends.  It is unfortunate that not everyone has read the owner manuals for both of these programs, but such is the way of the world.  The times these have not functioned properly clearly have been user-error.

Having said that, I do have some problems with the Mom Model c1990 I received upon the birth of my first child.  Clearly, this model was designed by a man.  A woman designer would have been aware that this product should come with at least 4 arms.  Two measly arms are completely inadequate for any fully functional Mom.  Clever design could possibly make a 5th and 6th arm accessory pack available.  These could be auxilliary arms that could be added when needed, and then removed and stored when not needed.  You would make millions with this product, I am certain.

I believe there is also a flaw in the Umbilical Separation unit (serial numbers UT, TX, NY, and WA) that came with all of my children.  While it is obvious that the Physical Matter Separation Function works fine, I believe the Essential Energy Flow Device does not shut off as advertised upon birth.  For example, I find whenever my children are particularly energetic (which, unfortunately, is all the time), I become increasingly exhausted.  Alarmingly, this only becomes worse as my children grow older and larger, finding new and terrifying ways to expend their energy.  Clearly, this is the fault of a badly designed flow shut off valve.

I think one solution to this problem could be a modification to your basic 24HR Day model (beta).  If you were to offer and 28/20HR model, with a flexible 4 hour swing option that could either be added to the basic 24 for days when there wasn't enough time or removed for days that needed to end sooner, this could help compensate for the energy drain.  An attractive option would be the ability to add the extra 4 hours in sleep time.  Since math wasn't my college major, I'm not certain how this would work out.  But I understand you have a decent assortment of physicists and math geniuses on staff who could work this out.  Possibly you could assign this to the department that figured out the speed of light and sound?

Finally, and I know I've complained about this before, you must do something about the faulty controls on most Do-It-Yourself Boy Kits.  I hear from my friends that most Do-It-Yourself Girl Kits have these same problems.  I have looked EVERYWHERE but I cannot find either an OFF switch or a Volume Control knob.  This is a problem.  Possibly you have an Adapter Kit available? Please let me know if and when you make the upgrade available.

Again, thanking You in all your Eternalness and praying for your continued omniscienceness, may your vast wisdom cure all my woefullnesses, (but pleasepleaseplease fix the missing Off Switch),

Me