Screaming Bag of Doom

Discipline.  It's the big chunk of parenting we don't really want to deal with, but if we don't deal with it, we end up knowing, with beautiful clarity, words like "Parole Officer" and "Early Release for Good Behavior."  Kids create new and fantastic ways to drive us nuts and do wretched things to each other, so it's only fair that we create new and fantastic (and often wretched) ways to stop them.  Then there's the whole cursed element of "what works for one kid, may not work for the next kid."  And what worked for that kid today, won't work for them in 5 years.  You need a boatload of creative ideas to get your kids to NOT fight constantly, break windows with "new ninja skills", duct tape the cat to the wall, bring the garden hose (turned on) into the house, or let the bucket of newts from the swamp loose in the house.

Having said thus, here are 9 creative discipline ideas I have gathered over the years.  All are tried and tested, and come from seasoned Moms!  Results may vary, based on your child and the severity of the naughtiness!

1.  Door Slamming.  There are many, many reasons why I hate door slamming.  Every time I hear a slam, I can see in my mind little fingers being chopped off, little toes being crunched, or, well, worse stuff.  I have a good imagination.  Additionally, every slam is like an ax to the tree of my nerves.  Then there's the whole "angry" element of door slamming, generally because they just got sent to their room for some infraction.  This grates on me as well.  I never really did too much about it, though, (other than yelling at the kid to not slam the door) until my friend Nelean told me about their family's consequence for door slamming.  It seems simple but it's a doozy.  The perpetrator of the slam must stand and close the door 10 times in a row absolutely silently.  If Mom can hear even one closing, the kid gets to start over.  This is waaaaay harder than it seems, especially if the kid is ticked.  And by the time they actually manage 10 silent shuttings, everyone has calmed down.  Bonuses abound!

2.  The Bag of Doom.  One of the better ideas I have gleaned in my parenting experience is letting kids pick their own punishment.  No, I'm not saying they get to make up whatever they want.  That would just be, well, completely idiotic. "Yes, I punched my brother in the nose.  I think I will have a bowl of ice cream for my punishment.  And since I don't think I will have gotten the message, I better have a second bowl."  Rather, they are given a range of options and can chose whichever one they hate the least.  Our neighbors implemented this with the Bag of Doom.  In this bag was a whole range of punishments -- various household chores, silly stunts, or fines.  The kids knew ahead of time what was in the bag.  Then, when an infraction happened and punishment had to be assigned, the Bag came out.  The family would generally also sing along with the Dodo's chant from Ice Age, "Doom on you, doom on you," whilst the prisoner reached blindly into the bag to find out his fate.  Nice part about this, whatever the punishment was, the Bag did it, not you.

3.  Hold a Trial.  Once in a while (eg: every 17 minutes), two siblings may have a difference of opinion about who threw the ball/ate the last popsicle/dropped the water balloon, etc.  Generally, this is not difficult to sort out.  Most kids are not very good liars and most Moms are fantastic at considering forensic evidence.  (The kid with sticky goo on his face probably did eat the last popsicle.  And if they all have sticky goo on their faces, then they've all had enough popsicle anyway.  Case solved.)  Every now and then, though, a more major incident will happen and Mom won't have any real evidence to work with.

Thus it was maybe 30 years ago my mother was faced with such a situation.  My brother was accused of throwing rocks at a sibling.  My brother was actually a fairly mellow kid, for a boy, and didn't generally do things like this.  My sibling was insistent, however.  So my mother held a court.  She appointed jury members, a prosecution lawyer, and a defense lawyer.  Evidence and witnesses were called.  Everyone, and this was the real key to the success of this, everyone was allowed to testify to their recollection of what happened without anyone else being able to interrupt. Even the 2 year-old who had a 19 word vocabulary.

The case proceeded and after everyone had their say and the verdict was returned (it was probably a rock thrown up from his bicycle tire), my mom made cookies and everyone was satisfied, including the sibling, who just needed someone to listen for a minute.  Don't we all? 

Incidentally, my brother is now an attorney . . .

4.  Scream Along.  This also comes from the Library of Sarah's Wacky Parenting Ideas.  When you have a kid who is screaming and wailing and falling to bits over something silly, scream along.  Do exactly whatever they are doing.  If they lay on the floor, you lay on the floor.  If they throw their head back and wail, you throw your head back and wail.  And do this bigger and more dramatically than they do.  Really channel your inner Diva. This is GUARANTEED to stop the wailing.  Nearly every time I have done this, my kid has stopped and looked at me with an expression of "My mother has lost her mind.  I am somewhat nonplussed at this event."  Either that, or they start telling me to stop acting silly, which presents the perfect segue into pointing out that they were acting just as silly as I was.  And once the tantrum is stopped, you can figure out what the problem is.  Usually something traumatic like the absolute stubbornness left shoes will insist on having over not fitting on right feet.

5.  Paying the Bill.  This is all about not maintaining their own personal hygiene standards.  Specifically, brushing their teeth regularly.  Once my kids are old enough to understand how to brush and that they need to brush, they are responsible for paying for any fillings they get.  This is an absolutely avoidable cost and learning the lesson quick and early will absolutely benefit them their whole lives.  The first kid I imposed this on did not get another filling after paying $150 for two fillings.  That was 8 years ago.  A tube of toothpaste and a toothbrush is cheaper than a filling. And all of that is cheaper than dentures!  Brush your dang teeth!

6.  Nickel Jar.  This is a very versatile method of modifying all kinds of behaviors.  I learned this one from my mother in law.  You get a jar -- a smallish one, like a pint jar (trust me, you won't want a big quart jar for this, you probably can't afford it).  Fill it with nickels.  Place it somewhere really visible, kitchen counter, mantle, wherever.  The deal is this: every time the kid does the unwanted action (in my house it was peeing all over the toilet seat) you take a nickel.  At the end of a specified amount of time (a month or so), the kid gets all the nickels left in the jar.  The kid stopped peeing all over the seat in one day.  I call this a win-win.  Two dollars (or less) of nickels will fill a jar, but the kid just sees a jar FULL of money.  And the behavior stops.  (Unfortunately, the plethora of younger brothers grew up and now it's impossible to tell who peed on the seat.  Ugh.)

7.  Holding Hands.  I can't remember who I learned this one from, but as much as it's a punishment for the two accused, it's pure entertainment for Mom and Dad.  So, when the fighting has reached the saturation point, the two fightees must sit on the couch next to each other holding hands for 15-30 minutes.  It will seem like forever to them.  If they talk, move, or in anyway do anything other than sit there and hold hands, time starts over.  A variation of this we often use is the Repentance Bench.  We have two very short, pointless little decorative arches in our living room.  It creates two little edges about 6" deep that can be sat on.  Not comfortably.  This is where both accused arguers get to sit, looking directly at each other, when time outs are required.  All other rules and regulations apply.

8.  Slave For A Day.  This is particularly effective for older siblings who pick on younger siblings.  So, when one kid will not leave another kid alone, it seems clear to me that they want to spend lots of time with that other kid, right?  So I simply fulfill their wish.  The Picker-Onner then becomes the personal slave of the Pickee-Onnee for 24 hours.  They have to do anything the Pickee says (other than illegal/immoral/unsafe stuff, obviously) -- do their chores, feed them their dinner, give them a pedicure, read them 15 stories, etc.  And, obviously, any further teasing will result in more serious consequences.  Usually involving red-hot pokers.  No not really.

9.  The Interpretive Dance Apology.  This is a truly genius idea from a friend of my mother's.  Her son had been obnoxious and had been sent to his room.  The price of being freed from the room was an interpretive dance in which he referred to her as a goddess and extolled her wonderfulness as his most wise and amazing mother.  The rewards of this are never ending.  Say it with me: "Video Camera."

So there you are.  If time outs and never ending chores are seeming tired and passe, try these new and exciting ideas.  Fun times for all!  Well, mostly all.  You, at least! :D