When I look back at the last 25 years, I often wonder, "why did I bother with college?" It's not like we dissect Dostoevsky novels or discuss parallel and relevant ideologies around the dinner table. What I should have studied was hours and hours of Three Stooges movies. What I'm getting at is this: I have listened to a lot of stupid arguments in my time. I mean DUMB. It's important to define "dumb," for the scientific examination of this issue. On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is a debate with your doctor over whether or not to get this year's flu shot (for 11% effectiveness last year? I'm thinking, no.) and 10 is a congressional budget hearing (HOW much does an army surplus toilet cost?!!), I would rank the arguments in this house around a 13 1/2. Let me present the evidence:
1. Bedtime. As a friend's husband once explained (loudly) to their daughter, "BEDTIME IS GOING TO HAPPEN EVERY NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE. GET OVER IT." And yet, every night we have the same debate. Every night. Every. Night. For 18 years, per child. I have 6 of them. I don't want to do the math.
2. Boogers v. Farting. We've had this debate more than once as well. Once is one time too many, so we're solidly over our quota. This is how the argument goes: One brother farts on another brother's blanket. Said blanket is now declared to be a Superfund site and must be decontaminated. The Fartee then, in self-defense, states his farts aren't anywhere near as gross as the second brother's booger wall. What, you ask, is a booger wall? Why, it's a wall covered with boogers, of course. Specifically, the wall next to the designated brother's bed, where late at night, after losing argument #1 (again), the aforementioned brother lays in bed, dreams of giant mountains of legos, and picks his nose. Finds are then deposited on the wall. Hence, we have a booger wall. Which is grosser? Debate amongst yourselves.
ps -- metal spatula and paint, if you were wondering.
3. Indoor Extreme Sports. You're saying to yourself, "Wait, that doesn't sound safe!" No. No, it does not. And yet, it's very real. Skateboarding in the house? Parkour on the stairs? BASE jumping from the second floor? Slam dunk contest in the hallway with a Playskool basketball hoop (players are 18 years old)? Free running through the entire downstairs? Human surfing down the stairs? Ultimate frisbee in the family room? Full contact badminton in the living room? We've debated them ALL, AFTER said activity was already in full swing. The question I hear every time and just can't answer without getting an instant migraine: "But why not?" Really? REALLY??
4. Superhero v. superhero. Ok, this one is just annoying. It goes like this: Brother #1 declares his favorite superhero of the day to be the dominant superhero of all time and space. Well, no brother worth his weight in Captain Crunch and Doritos is going to let a statement like that go unremarked. So, Brother #2 then presents his counter argument as to why superhero #1 is insufficient and his choice, superhero #2, is clearly preferable and dominant. Fictional characteristics and humanly impossible abilities are then presented as evidence in each brother's case in support of their selected superhero. These debates happen around the 93 decibel level. Hearing loss begins at 85. It should be noted that debating opponents are usually (a lot) closer in age to 20 than 10, and certainly not less than 10, which is when one might expect these arguments to happen. Oh no. When the punching starts, the argument ends via ME. Any reference back to said debate is strictly forbidden as these embers burn long, long into the fire of memory. Sheesh.
ps -- I know you're wondering, so here's the most recent version: Quicksilver v. Superman.
5. ANY argument with a human under 5 years old. Here are some of my favorites:
--Head removal. As in, "my plastic toy's head comes off, I want to take mine off. So take it off NOW."
--Why? As in, "Four comes after three." "Why?" "Because it's one more." "Why?" " . . ."
--Ownership. As in, "Buuut I waaaant bluuuuuue sprinklessss!" "This one has blue sprinkles." "But I want the blue sprinkles on your cupcake!" "Ok, you can have my cupcake, and I'll eat this one." "NO! THAT'S MY CUPCAKE!!"
6. Hygiene. Between the ages of 7 and 11, I have had the same argument multiple times a week with each and every son of mine.
It goes like this: "You smell bad. Are you wearing clean clothes?" "Ya, I just put them on last week."
Or its near relative: "You smell bad. Did you use soap in the shower?" "Soap?"
Or its frequent incarnation: "You smell bad. Did you shower last night?" "I didn't need to. I showered . . . hmmm, I don't remember."
The reason given in each and every one of these situations as to why the designated stinker should be allowed to forgo changing/lathering/bathing? "But I'm all warm and comfortable!" Because 4-day old underwear on someone who believes toilet paper to be optional IS the byword for comfort . . .
7. Designated Spot. I've written a blog post about this one. (See The Gaza Couch, May 2012). If there is one argument that will put Mommy into "THATSITEVERYONEISGROUNDEDFORTHERESTOFTHENIGHT" mode in under 30 seconds, it's this one. I do not care if you've been sitting in that one spot on the couch since the day you were born. Its a big frickin' couch. PICK ANOTHER SPOT! And, if you deliberately waited until your brother got up to pee to steal his spot, MOVE! NOW! And if anyone whines, YOU'RE ALL GROUNDED! Gah! Seriously, I'm going to sell all the furniture and everyone can sit on the stinking floor! (No lie, they would argue about floor spots.)
8. Physical Contact. I'm not talking about punching, or hitting, or scratching. You know what I'm talking about. The ever, eternal "He's touching me!" "Stop touching me!" And so on. Yes, in fact his pinkie toe is touching the side of your foot. I think you will live. But now he's plastering his foot all over your face because you whined about his pinkie toe. And how he's sitting on you. And farting on command. Bet you wish it was just a pinkie toe now, eh?
9 . . . honestly, this is giving me a headache just writing about it. Gah, I need some chocolate. May your day be insanity free . . . at least for an hour or two . . .
Quicksilver is cooler.
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