Products We NEED

I am a Black Friday protestor and have been for years.  I did the whole get-up-at-o'dark-thirty to hit the sales thing once.  It was a mistake.  First, I hate morning.  Second, the stores were full of people and I hate shopping in crowds.  Third, I saved something like 75 cents.  I spent more on gas getting there.  And finally, I hate morning.  It's worth saying twice.  I am that person who will spend full price -- or go without -- just so I don't have to deal with a crowd.

Don't get me wrong, I love a good deal.  I enjoy wearing the clothes I get 50% off more than I love my full-price items.  I get a warm a happy glow just thinking about how much I saved as I'm wearing my fabulous new pieces.  BUT I wouldn't show up to a Black Friday madhouse even if they were handing out Manolo Blahniks for FREE.  Well, that might be a bit of an overstatement.  No one is THAT crazy.  But still, you get the idea.

There may come a day, however, when I might willingly hit a Black Friday sale again.  It's simply a matter of companies getting the right products out there.  We live in an age of great technology and innovation, but I'm waiting for more.  As soon as these products show up, I will be first in line:

1.  Glue made from the stuff that permanently cements Rice Krispies to cereal bowls, leaving you to pretend they "always looked that way."

2.  A furnace powered by the stuff that keeps baked potatoes hot FOREVER, until the rest of your meal is cold before you can even think about taking one bite.

3.  A magnet using the force that allows your foot to find the ONE lego on the 900 square foot floor.

4.  A sleep aid made from whatever it is that lets teen boys sleep 25 hours a day.

5.  An energy drink powered by whatever it is that lets a kid change -- in under 30 seconds -- from comatose exhausted during chore time to bouncing off the walls like a monkey on crack when it's time to go to the movies.

6.  A GPS system that works with the focus and direction of an infant's ability to poop sideways out of their diaper and on to you, but not into the diaper or on the blanket underneath.

7.  A rechargeable battery pack you can plug into your kids for charging up during the day and then remove for your own personal use at 3 in the afternoon.

8.  An air freshener with the staying power of wrestling practice workout clothes stench.

9.  An ICU alarm system with the accuracy and urgency of my kids' "emergencies" when I am trying to pee.

10.  A diet aid using the same insta-full power that keeps my garbage cans perennially full.

11.  Sheets with the comfort quality of a 2nd grader's clothes that makes them want to wear them four days in a row, until forcibly removed.

12.  Vegetables that look and taste like Doritos.

13.  Textbooks written to look like Lego Catalogs.

14.  An AC unit with the freezing power of tile bathroom floors.

15.  A storage closet with the capacity of wherever all the missing socks in the universe go.  Seriously, how big must that thing be?

16. A travel mug with the superheavy gravity car keys have that allows them to fall immediately to the bottom of wherever you lost them -- couch, purse, under the bed, etc.

Finally . . . a freakin' Off Switch for toddlers.  I don't care what you make it out of, just make one.

Nothing, however, will convince me to condone Thanksgiving Day shopping of any kind.  People, it's a day when you are supposed to lay around and eat to the pain threshold, surrounded by your friends and family who are similarly afflicted.  Don't waste it sitting on a cold sidewalk waiting to save $14!

May you all have a wonderful day of thanks and rest!  I'll be over in the corner in a pie-induced food coma . . .