The Pickle Fork, Life-Size Giraffe, and the Round Peg

I don't like parenting advice articles, which is ironic since I kind of write one.  Well, it's not really advice so much as "here's the crazy crap my kids did today, now don't you feel better about your child's misdemeanors," blog.  Maybe I'm just a snob (very likely) or I'm just lazy (also very likely) but parenting "experts" get on my nerves.  I'm not an expert by professional standards, I just have twenty-six years experience parenting six (bonkers) kids and fortymumble years experience being the oldest child of seven (also bonkers).  Every time I log on to FaceBook, there seem to be fifteen new articles displaying a wide offering of parenting advice, generally neatly numbered and listed for our easy perusal.  Occasionally I try to read them but they are usually either obvious or wrong.  And written by someone whose oldest child is still in the single digits.  Honey, we'll chat again when you hit the sweat-drenching hell known as Fourteen.

In my own blog, I try to show the humor and utter insanity that is parenting and offer up some laughter as the cheapest therapy around.  Honestly, all of us need a good laugh.  Then we can get back in saddle and back to dealing with whatever it is that is currently making us want to stab our eyeball out with a pickle fork.  That's what I hope to provide--the laughter, not the pickle fork.

I want to address a particular issue today, however, in a more direct manner.   I've known A LOT of parents in a lot of different parenting situations, in a lot of different states.  There are some things we all have in common, however, no matter the situation.  One thing I hear, and I've said myself (more than once), from a lot of parents is "What did I do wrong?"  That's what I want to talk about today, from a couple different perspectives.

Do parents make mistakes?  Of course.  And guess what: every parent out there has made, is probably currently making, and will continue to make mistakes.  Many mistakes, including you, including me. (meaning we all make mistakes, not that we are the mistakes.  Ahem.) HOWEVER, in my experience, setting aside actual illegal mistakes that fall in the category of "child abuse," there really is only one mistake parents make that's worth discussing.  Just about anything else is small potatoes.

This is the one mistake:  It's not about YOU.  It's about your child.  This is true whether your child is doing everything wrong OR doing everything right.  Parenting is not about YOU.

A brief aside to introduce to a couple of amazing rockstars any human would be blessed to know: Dara and Glenn.  I could write a ten-part mini series on how awesome they are, but I'll keep it to this quick example.  A couple years ago while Dara and I were on our annual girls trip with the third member of our trio, Cheryl, Dara got a message from Glenn.  He had brought home from China a LIFE SIZE ADULT GIRAFFE STATUE.  Dara groaned.  The next day he messaged her again.  He had cemented it in to the front yard while she was gone so that she couldn't stop him.  Cement.  As in permanent.  And here's the best part -- when she got home she DIDN'T EVEN KILL HIM!  This year he repeated the stunt with a LIFE SIZE BULL ELEPHANT HEAD.  As a thank you for letting him live on the previous occasion, he removed this one.  And put it INSIDE the house.  You can't make up awesomeness like that.

Anyway, Dara shared with me a parenting experience she had a few years ago.  She and her husband had been blessed with three perfect children.  No, really.  Great grades, behaved at school, did their chores, studied their scriptures, ate their vegetables, and went to bed on time.  Every night.  AND they brushed their teeth without being asked.  You're wondering where that pickle fork is, aren't you?

They were pretty proud of themselves, quietly patting themselves on the back for their top-notch parenting skills.  If only other people would just do it the way they di . . . THEN their fourth child was born.  This one made up for all the others, all rolled into one cherubic grin.  Chores?  Ha.  Read? Are you kidding?  Bedtime?  Nope, out the door and roaming free in the neighborhood.  And vegetables aren't even worth discussing.  Very quickly, they began to ask themselves, what are we doing wrong?

Here's the thing--#4 had the SAME parents who did things the SAME way as with the other three.  What did they do wrong with #4?  Nothing.  #4 is simply a different person with different needs and struggles than #1, #2, and #3.  That's the beauty of genetics.  Every time a child is created, we shake up the Scrabble bag of tiles with our four-letter genetic alphabet, and an entirely new human pops into existence.

Did they need to change the way they did things to meet the needs of #4?  Of course.  And that's the entire point: parenting is not about getting the results YOU want from YOUR efforts.  Parenting is about meeting your child's needs in the way they need to have them met.

So often, we only think about "what we're doing" when our child is doing something we don't want them to do.  When our child is getting good grades and behaving, and always has, we are happy and relieved that we're getting it right.  You may very well be doing all the right things, but it is important to step back and recognize that this is because that particular child happens to respond positively to your current actions.

Let me explain it another way.  I have a set of round pegs.  The child just described happens to be a puzzle board covered in round holes.  Do all the pegs fit perfectly?  Yes, not because I'm a parenting genius, but because I happen to have the round pegs for that round-holed puzzle board.

So when a child comes along who is a puzzle board covered with square holes, or triangles, or something with eleven dimensions that couldn't possibly fit a peg anywhere, and shockingly my set of round pegs doesn't fit, have I done something wrong?  Has the child done something wrong?  Is that child damaged, evil, or beyond help?  Of course not.  I just need a new set of pegs.

That is where it becomes (and always has been) about the child -- finding the right approach to reach that child.  This is where parenting blogs and books and articles and professionals come in to play--as OPTIONS, not requirements.  Find parents who have had similar struggles to yours and find out what worked for them.  Talk to teachers.  Read.  Be creative. And keep trying.

Eventually they will become old enough to make their own decisions.  (That age entirely depends on what the decision is.  Three year olds get NO voice on whether or not they get to drive to school.  Seventeen year olds who have a job and an income do.  Three year olds do get a voice on potty training.  In fact, they get the only voice on this since they own the bladder.  Seventeen year olds do not get a voice in this.  If they choose not to use the toilet properly, you have my permission to drop them off at the zoo.) When they are old enough to reasonably make a decision on a particular issue, let them make it.  They may, and probably will, make dazzling stupid decisions. They will learn faster and better from them.  They may make great decisions, and your heart will sing with relief and happiness.  In either case, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.  It's about them.

Here are the only real parenting goals you need each day, in order of importance.

1.  Keep your child alive.  Millions of fish mommies fail at this every day.  If your kiddo is still alive at the end of the day, congrats!  You are doing 100% better than tons of fish moms.  Fish dads are no better.

2.  Tell your child you love him or her, by word or deed.  There are lots of reasons why "word" might be difficult for you on any one particular day and "deed" is going to have to suffice.  For example, once I had an argument with one of my teens where he accused me, in the same argument, of both "forcing him to take AP classes," and also "not pushing him academically." I showed him I loved him by NOT reaching down his throat and evulsing his vocal cords on the spot.  See, deeds can be powerful.  And by so doing, I also accomplished #1. Go me!

3.  Feed your child.  Now, if you take a long look at human history, you will see that soooo much more of the world is more edible than we think it is.  Personally, I do not consider bugs, pre-chewed taro root, or reindeer blood to be edible.  But millions of other people do.  What does this mean for you?  It means if you did not manage to feed your child three perfectly balanced, whole grain, free-range, and organic meals today, it is ok.  Did your child scavenge old popcorn from the floor?  Congrats!  You achieved #1 & #3!  Did your child graze bovine-like from a bag of french fries and chicken nuggets?  Well done!  #1, #3, and you helped the national economy!  Is this ideal?  No.  Do we want to do this every day?  Probably not.  But we all have days where the big picture is the only one we're going to manage.  You fed your child.  Well done!

4.  Shelter your child.  And you can be creative here.  I had a sister who refused to clean her room so my mother evicted her to a tent in the backyard for the whole summer.  Please note that she was a preteen, it was summer, and they lived in the suburbs, so common sense safety was observed.  (And honestly, it ended up being a summer of glamping when she ran a power cord and a tv out to the tent.)  It doesn't have to be fancy.  It doesn't have to be decorated.  It just has to keep the rain/sun off and be safe.  Did you do this?  You rock!!

So, once we complete  1-4 each day, then we can worry about adding more goals.  They just need to be the right goals for your child in their current stage of development.  Kids are rotten, sneaky stinkers who change out their peg boards just as soon as you figure out which pegs are going to fit. And seriously, as soon as they get their acts together and start being pleasant company, they leave!  If you're lucky.  Seriously, kids.  I love you, but go.  Let me know when you arrive safely!  But you can't stay here. Hugs!

ps: I wrote this 3 or 4 years ago and then apparently forgot about it.  It was a fun find and I think something that's always pertinent.  So, I updated a few bits and did a little polishing.  And say hello to Dara and Glenn if you see them.  They're awesome :D