Monday, July 24, 2017

A Letter of Complaint

Celestial Design Department
247365 Enlightenment Blvd
Nirvana, the Cosmos 77777-7777 

To the Head of the Celestial Design Department:

Despite Your lack of response to my previous Letter of Concern, dated July 20, 2012 (precisely FIVE years ago, ahem), which I am certain must have been mis-filed, owing to Your ever-reaching and all-encompassing To Do list, I find I compelled to write to You again.  I am most grieved to say this time I must file a full Letter of Complaint.

It has recently come to my attention that the potential auxiliary failures that can accompany the planned obsolescence of the Baby Factory System with its Plug & Play connectivity features are accurate, as written in the attached literature.  I have no quarrel with the pre-programmed closure of my BF.  In fact, this was a much-anticipated event that I looked forward to, at least once a month, for more than three decades.  

I must say that I am fully satisfied with the cessation of my BF.  Additionally, I must also include that while I have not actually enjoyed the attendant system malfunctions of Cooling System 1.0, which has caused Hot Flash (beta) to trigger, as well as Night Sweats 2.0, I was not unaware of these eventualities and fully expected these occurrences.  Likewise, owing to the fact that Basic Headache 1.0 and Migraine 2.0 have long since been installed in my OS, I accepted the onset of Hormone Migraine 3.0 with, I believe, near-angelic patience.  And a bulk-size bottle of Excedrin.

I will allow that I did not fully read the entire owner's manual regarding the shutdown of BF, although I was vaguely aware of the Fat Hoarding feature that switches on with the approaching programmed shutdown.  I will say, however, that I did not expect this feature to work quite so well and with such astounding speed and efficiency.  To that end, I would have to say "well done," except that I find the effectiveness of Your programming now requires me to purchase clothing with elastic waistbands and added spandex.  This is not a desired outcome.

Despite my new-found rotundity, I admit that all of these features have been operating as advertised.  They are not the cause of  my complaint.  My complaint is due entirely to the additional, reactive programs that were not made at all clear in the literature.  Specifically, I am referring to the parallel obsolescence of Basic Cogitation 1.0.  This is crap.  On what planet (specifically, this one) would any Enlightened Designer plan to have Basic Cogitation malfunction at any time during the normal progress of human life, let alone have it grind to a messy halt during the Teen Formative Phase that any Maternal Unit of a Male (or MUM) WILL have to navigate!  I specifically refer to Syracuse Male v.1999, Woodland Male v. 2002, and Woodland Male v. 2004.  

As Your Eminence is abundantly aware, all six models You opted to send me are the "ByzantineComplexity with added Intensity" version, despite my request for the "Gentle Genius" models.  To shut down the functioning of Basic Cogitation WHILE the last three models are STILL in the construction phase is pure madness!  And while I am certain Your Great Omniscence is fully aware that the v. 2004 still has many years of construction yet to go, please allow me to emphasize this crucial fact.  HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPLETE ASSEMBLY WITHOUT A FUNCTIONAL OPERATING SYSTEM?!

My subsequent research has indicated that this so-called "Fuzzy Thinking" is, in fact, a common side program that often runs alongside the de-escalation of the Baby Factory System.  My experiences with the parallel running of these two programs has frequently led  me to make upwards of twenty-three trips up and down the staircase to remember I am looking for my glasses.  It has led me to run across my house like my underwear is on fire to find a pencil so I can write down a crucial grocery item that I have so far forgotten at the store three times in a row.  It has caused me to stare blankly into my confused son's eyes as I strive, mid-arugment, to remember what the rest of the sentence I am hollering at him was supposed to be about.

To be clear, You expect me to engineer the critical completion phase of Teen Boy Development WITHOUT allowing a JailTime Malfunction or an EducationExplusion Virus Cascade to occur, despite not having a fully functional Basic Cogitation Program--never mind that the HigherProfundity and EsotericReasoning slots have been empty for so long the dust bunnies in there have all applied for AARP.  You must be kidding.

All I can conclude is that this engineering design work was done by a man.

Once again, thanking You in all your Eternalness for your attention to this matter.  Praying for your continued omniscienceness and illustriousivity.  


PS-- I'm not kidding.  Fix this or there will be . . . consequences . . . Just as soon as I remember why I walked upstairs . . .

1 comment:

  1. I endorse these complaints particularly the BF shutdown and Fat Hoarding results, although the Migraine function on my unit mostly is offline without the BF.
    You're the best.