The Unkillable Bill

It's a very good thing for Uma that my uncle wasn't the Bill in Kill Bill.  Because guess what?  I'm related to a superhero.  Oh ya, be jealous.  My Uncle Bill is Unkillable.  Never heard of him?  Then where you been, cuz he's a ROCKSTAR.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jen," you say.  "Where's your proof?" You say, "because my uncle is pretty amazing, even though he may or may not be named Bill."

"Well," I say, "being named Bill is definitely a requirement because, you know, then he wouldn't be an Uncle Bill.  But there are a few options available to you here."

Is your uncle regularly referred to, with good reason, as Wild Bill?  Then your uncle might be as amazing as mine.

Does your uncle also hold the highly esteemed title of Grandpa Bluejay?  Mine does.  I mean, seriously, how can you not be legendary if your own grandkids call you Bluejay?

Are there DOZENS, nay HUNDREDS of stories floating out there in the world about the legend that is your uncle?  There are about mine.  In fact, I suggest you share yours in the comment section!

"And yet," you say, "you have not yet supported the claim that he is the Unkillable Bill."

Oh just you wait, I've got the proof and then you're gunna feel silly for doubting me.

Never doubt the Unkillable Bill.

Way back once upon a time in 1948, an adorable baby boy with brown eyes and a huge grin was born to Rachel and Roger, who had been given a pretty solid warm up with the birth of their first genius/bonkers child, Sarah.  But a tiny, teeny piece of Baby Bill was missing.  Normally this wouldn't be a big deal as none of us are born completely perfect and quite a few of us out there function for years without noticing there's a big gap between our ears.  This little bit of Bill that was missing, however, happened to be in his heart.  Bill was born with only two parts of the main valve in his heart that is supposed to have three.  Now remember, this is 1948.  Open heart surgery was extremely new and not at all reliable. But after a few years, he underwent surgery to replace that malformed valve with a new one ... from a pig.  Yes, Bill was given a pig heart valve.

Now listen up, because this is the key element to why Bill is Unkillable--

Bill is part BACON.

How can you not be a superhero if you are part BACON?!

But that's not the end of my proofs, in fact we're just getting started!

Things that have failed to Kill Bill (besides Uma):

Look at his face!! Bhahahahahaha!

• Two more open heart surgeries
• A pacemaker
• Being a champion wrestler for the Army with said heart
• Being a moron and smoking while being a wrestler for the Army with said heart
• The Vietnam War
• Continuing to be a moron and continuing to smoke for five decades with his Bacon-heart
• Innumerable solo excursions in to the wilds of the Cascade Range to pursue the perfect Fly Fishing experience with said moronity as mentioned above
• Growing up squashed between three (bossy) sisters.  Ok, well, one of them isn't so bossy.  I ain't saying which one, though.
• Literally having scars from said sisters (but not from the not-bossy, unnamed one.)
• Having to raise my cousin, Jessie, Queen of Bossy Big Sisters.  And yes, that's coming from ME, Grand Dame of Bossy Big Sisters.  Oh yeah.

Don't be deceived by her pixie cuteness.  She will take you DOWN.

And most recently, a tiny bump on the head.

"Really?" You say, "You're comparing a tiny bump on the head to the entirety of the Vietnam experience?"

"Yep," I say.

OPEN BRAIN SURGERY, PEOPLE.

GULP!!

After acquiring a subdural hematoma one afternoon, HE WENT FISHING because, you know, it's Bill.  Yep, Grandpa Bluejay took his grandson fishing because he's just awesome like that, but then began to feel a mite poorly later that evening.  And when his right hand stopped working, thus preventing him from riffing on his slide guitar (I mean, c'mon!  He's even the guitarist in a real band!) he finally decided that this was more than a bump on the noggin and a long day of fishing.

With the greatest of sacrifices to the Gods of Beautiful Hair, the great white mane was shaved and a friggin' baseball-sized blood clot was removed from his BRAIN STEM.

And with standard Unkillable Bill-ness, he's not only fully recovering, he's doing it twice as fast as expected.

I'm telling you, at the end of the Apocalypse, it's going to be a load of cockroaches ... and Bill.

PS -- He rejects the Bacon-Heart Superhero category and politely requests that you refer to him as the Atomic Hero with the Bionic Valve.  But I think he's wrong.  Bacon is way better than atomic bionics.