A Trip to the Store

Hey, c'mon along for the ride.  We're headed to the store!

Scene: Davis home, a sunny Saturday, mid-morning.

Players:

Me: "29," A mom of many boys

Matthew: 7, the Youngest Child

Jonathan: 9, the Misunderstood Artist

Jacob: 13, the Budding Evil Genius

Alex: 15, the Perpetually Sleepy and Hungry Teen

Me: K, everybody get in the car.
Matthew: My shoes are lost forever.  I get to stay home.
Jonathan (breaking into sobs): DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT ME!  WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!"
Jacob: Look at me, I'm Jonathan, Boo-hoo-hoo
Alex: . . . . 
Me: Jonathan, it's fine, everyone is still finding their shoes. Matthew, find them.  Jacob, knock it off NOW.  Alex, wake up.
Jonathan: (still shuddering): OK BUT DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT ME!! JACOB'S TEASING ME!!!
Matthew: Nope.  They're gone.
Jacob: (very quietly) Boo hoo hoo, I'm baby Jonathan.
Alex:  . . .
Me: Jonathan, I promise. Matthew, find your shoes or you go barefoot.  Jacob, that's one load of dishes. Once more and you have dishes for the day.  Alex, WAKE UP.
Jonathan: (sob, cough, sniff, sniff) Ok, wait I need to get my stuff.  (Runs upstairs)
Matthew: Good.  I hate shoes.
Jacob: WHAT?! No fair!! I'm not doing them.
Alex: . . .
Me: Jonathan, you don't need to bring your entire art backpack just to go to the store! Matthew, your shoes are on the back deck.  I can see them.  Go put them on now or you will help Jacob with the dishes.  Jacob, that's a full day of dishes.  Keep it up and you'll clean the whole downstairs.  ALEX WAKE UP WE ARE LEAVING!!
Jonathan: But I NEED my backpack!  I won't bring it in the store, I'll just leave it in the car!  I promise!"
Matthew: FINE, woman! (stomp stomp stomp)
Jacob: Uuuuuuugggggghhhhhhh.
Alex: snrflshgh?
Me: Then, why bring it at all?  You will be fine for 15 minutes in the car without your entire backpack. EVERYBODY GET IN THE CAR! NOW!
Jonathan: DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT ME!  WAIT!!
Matthew: I wanna get a Skylander.  Can I get 3 Skylanders?  Cameron has ALL of them.
Jacob: grumblegrumblegrumble (car door slams)
Alex: . . .
Me: Alex, I am getting in the car right now.  If you aren't in the car in 45 seconds, you don't get to go.
Jonathan: (sniffling) I just wanna bring my backpack (sniffle, shudder), all I wanna do (whimperwhimperwhimper, sniffle)
Matthew: Cameron has StumpSmash and SnorkleBlast AND ToxicFairy!  I want (begbegbeg)
Jacob: So.  Mom.  I was thinking, I've figured out how to pay for my mission.  I can take video of Jonathan acting stupid and I can post it on YouTube.  It will go viral and then I can get all kinds of sponsors and ads and stuff.  Whaddya think?
Alex: (shuffling like a comatose zombie to the car) I'm hungry.

-- car doors close, I start the engine --

Me: (at Jacob, employing full Death-Glare, as Jonathan has turned on the full, wailing cry) You do realize that a mission is spiritual endeavor.  You know, where you're supposed to be Christ-like and help other people learn to be NICE to each other?  Jonathan, I won't let him.  But you need to stop crying.  Now.  You've been crying all morning.  Matthew, no.  We're not going to buy toys for you.  We're going to get Father's Day gifts for Dad.  Alex, not my problem, you had all morning to eat.
Jonathan: waaaaaaaaahhhhaaaaahhhh (sniffle sniffle, gulp, sniffle) waaaaaaahhhhhaaaaahhhh!
Matthew: NO FAIR! (kicks Jonathan)
Jacob: Hey, I can be a good missionary.  And I can make a lot of money video taping him being weird.  Seriously.  Why can't I?
Alex: (kicks seat in front of him) MBMLSHFGHSMS!
Me: Jonathan, stop now.  You know I won't let Jacob do that.  Matthew, I will show you what "no fair" really is, if you don't stop it.  Jacob, seriously?  Stop it. 
Jonathan: (retaliating to Matthew's kick -- scream of rage, full attack on Matthew)
(Scrufflescrufflethumpsmackyankscrufflethump)

---- scrrrrreeeeecccchhhh!  (I pull over) ------

Me: THIS WILL STOP.  THE NEXT PERSON WHO TOUCHES ANYONE ELSE OR SAYS ONE WORD WILL BE GROUNDED FROM ALL ELECTRONIC MEDIA FOR TWO WEEKS.  I AM GOING TO GET IN AN ACCIDENT AND WE WILL ALL DIE IN A FLAMING BALL OF DEATH IF YOU DON'T ALL SIT STILL AND KNOCK IT OFF!!

---- silence for the next 9 minutes ---

Jonathan: (sniffle sniffle) He pulled my ha . . .
Alex: (muttering) Jonathan, shut up!  Mom said no talking!
Jonathan: (sniffle sniffle)
Matthew: (grrrrrr) 

---- silence for remaining 4 minute drive to store --

Me: Do not get out yet.  Listen up.  There will be no begging for toys, snacks, or treats.  There will be no fighting.  We are here to buy gifts for DAD, not for you.  Understand?
(everyone exits vehicle)
Jonathan: I love my Daddy sooo much!  I want to get lots of gifts for him!
Jacob: (cough) Kiss-up (cough)
Matthew: Can I get Daddy a Skylander?  I know Daddy wants a Skylander so he can play with me.
Alex: Can I get a bag of chips?  I'm hungry.
Me: Watch it, Jacob.  We're going to the tools section since you guys have buried most of Dad's tools in the backyard.  No Skylanders, no chips.
Jonathan: (Singing and dancing like a puppet on strings) Boo-bee doop-eee, love my da-dee!
Jacob: Seriously, Mom.  Look at that.  I would make a million dollars.
Matthew: Can I pick out the tools?
Alex: Jacob, shut up. (punch)
Me: Alex, please don't.  Jacob, please don't.  Matthew, yes, let's see if we can find a really nice set for Dad.  What do you think he'd like?
Jonathan: (still dancing, but now sticking his bum out and swinging it from side to side) Bap pa doo!  Bum ba dee! Look at my butt, Look at my butt, whoop a dee!
Jacob: (stares at me)
Matthew: Ok, let's get Dad this (huge, expensive) saw, and this (even more expensive) drill, and . . .
Alex: Can we get lunch after this?
Me: Matthew, we're looking for smaller tools.  Like hammers and screwdrivers, those are the things you guys lose.  Jonathan, what you're doing is not ok.  Please stop your body.  (Ignores Jacob) Alex, we'll see. 
Jonathan: (still dancing) Boop-bee, boop-bee . . .
Matthew: (tossing tools into the cart) Ok, this one and this one and this one . . .
Jacob: (Still stares at me)
Alex: Can I get Taco Bell and Burgerville?
Me: Jonathan, stop.  Matthew, whoa, too many.  Pick your favorites.  (Still ignores Jacob).  Alex, you'll be lucky to get a PB & J on stale bread.
Jonathan: (looking at me with wide, round eyes) Boop?
Matthew: (reviews selections and tosses unwanted items all over the aisle)
Jacob:  Mom.  Alex punched me and you DID NOTHING.  And Jonathan is WEIRD.
Alex: mrgmbsuehgrmbl
Me: (picking up discarded tools and returning them to shelves) Jonathan, stop.  Matthew, you have to put them back where they belong.  Jacob, you deserved it.  Alex, you will get food, I promise.
Jonathan: Boop? Beep-Boop?
Matthew: Ok, I think this looks like the right amounts of tools for Dad.  Let's go.
Jacob: MOM!
Alex: Jacob, stop it. (punches Jacob)
Me: (Ignoring ALL of it) Ok, let's go buy these.

--- to the check out line ---

Me: Where did Alex go?  Jacob, go find him.
Jonathan: Can I get a Push-Pop?  Look they have my favorite, Asteroid Blue.
Matthew: I want a Push-Pop too!
Jacob: (grrrrr, goes to find Alex)
Alex: ???
Me: No Push-Pops.  If you keep begging, no treats for the next week.
Jonathan: Starts singing again.
Matthew: I'm hungry
Jacob: (returning without Alex) Can't find him. 
Alex: (shows up eating a bag of chips) I'm starving!
Me: Ok, if everyone will just behave long enough to get to the car, we will go get lunch.

--- perfect behavior for 3.2 minutes, to get through the check out line and back to the car ---

--- we pull in to the fast-food drive-thru ---

All Boys: i want and no mustard but extra onion i hate lettuce but french fries for me with lemonade and 2 burgers but don't they have tacos with ketchup but add the pickles i hate pickles can i have a milkshake . . .
Me: Whoa!  One at a time!  Matthew, first.
Matthew: I want 20 chicken nuggets and a bucket of ketchup.
Jonathan: I want a cheeseburger with no ketchup, cheese, or meat.
Jacob: I want the super deluxe burger with extra bacon, lettuce on the side, four dabs of ketchup in equal placement, three concentric slices of onion, and NO Mayonnaise or tomato.
Alex: I want 6 hamburgers, 4 orders of fries, 2 milkshakes.  And another hamburger.
Me: uuuuuggggghhhhh. (into the drive-thru speaker) Do you sell Excedrin?

---- food is ordered, mouths are full, silence ensues on the drive home ----

And this, my friends, is why I do not take my children ANYWHERE they do not have to go.