No Worries, I got this.

There are not many things I am really, really good at.  Balancing the checkbook is not on the list.  Keeping Up With The Laundry is not on this list.  Dishes laughed at the prospect and walked away.  And Keeping The House Clean lives on the other side of the planet.  Frankly, everything I AM good at involves food, sleeping (I am BOSS at taking a nap), or generally enjoying myself.  All the stuff The Womanly Art Of Housekeeping (or whatever that book is called) says a Housewife  . . .

We interrupt this show to bring you a soapbox rant:

I HATE the term "Housewife."  I do not belong to the house.  I am not married to the house.  It sounds like the terms Lapdog or Head House Keeper.  I am not an employee, I am not a servant.

I am a highly-educated, thoroughly devoted mother and spouse.  I am an engineer in long-term relationships and human development.  I take my job seriously.  It is the most important job in the world.

Anyone can be a doctor or a lawyer or POTUS.  I can MAKE a human being who is capable of being a doctor or a lawyer or POTUS. Ha.

PS - Homemaker is ok.  I am making a home where everyone is loved and welcome, even if they are covered in mud, have pockets full of live frogs, and got bad grades on their last report card.  That's what my job is -- making a HOME.  Not wiving a house :P

We now return to our regularly scheduling programming . . .

  . . . ought to do well, I am very mediocre at.  Except for cleaning odd stains and disasters.  The things I have had to figure out how to clean is a bit appalling and really quite odd.  Anyone can spray Shout on a table cloth and throw it in the washer.  It takes a Pro to get out the gum chewed into the fibers of the table cloth.  (Hint -- DON'T spray Shout on it and throw it in the washer.  Unless you prefer your table cloths with gum chewed in, of course.)

Here is a list of things I can clean up like nobody's business:

Desitin.  I think they make it differently now, but when I started having babies, Desitin (a baby diaper rash ointment) was approximately the same formulation as the stuff boat makers use to water-proof the undersides of boats. This white, greasy goo was fantastic at keeping the poo and pee off your baby's bum.  And if your toddler (Lauren, 2) smears an entire tube of it into the carpet, the poo and pee will also be kept out of the carpet.  But you will have a carpet full of Desitin.  It's like having a large tube of vaseline nicely smoothed into your hair.  You cannot wipe it off.  If you could rip up the wall to wall, you could throw it into the washer, but that's not possible.  A whimpy little sponge and a pathetic little bucket of soap and water will run screaming from the prospect.    Bleach?  No and it removes the color from your carpet.  409?  No and it removes the color from your carpet.

Here is how you clean thick, greasy, goo from your carpet:  (I called the company that makes Desitin and brainstormed with the gal on the phone for an hour.  THAT'S what I call Customer Service!)

Bring a pot of water to the boil with a teaspoon of dish soap and 1/2 cup of vinegar mixed in.  Pour the hot water into the carpet where the Desitin is.  DO NOT RUB.  Using a large bath towel folded twice, lay it on the wet area and stand on the towel.  You want to pull the goo straight up out of the carpet without spreading it further.  The soap and vinegar will break down the grease.  You will probably need to repeat this a few times with a fresh towel each time.  Wash the towels with an extra dose of laundry soap in hot water. Done!


Dark Purple Crayon: We had lived in the house for less than a year.  It was a brand-new house.  We were the first owners.  EVERYTHING was clean and perfect and new.  And then Alex (3) took three crayons -- brown, dark green, and dark purple -- and scribbled with great industriousness all over the lower three feet of the entire circumference of the dining room.  He held all three crayons together in his chubby little hand and ground them into the walls.  There were three little stubs of crayon left as evidence to the crime laying in the middle of the brand new, perfectly clean carpet.

So, out came the WD-40.  This cleans about everything toxic off the wall.  Of course, it also smells fantastic, so be sure to open all the windows :P  BUT it doesn't remove all the dark purple out of the wall.  It got the wax, but not the color.  It did get the brown and it got the dark green, but not the purple.  Guess what does get all the purple?  Paint!  I just painted over the walls from three feet down.  ALWAYS keep at least a quart of whatever color your walls are on hand.  Why waste time scrubbing all day?  Just paint over it!  Job done, let's go play!

You almost feel like you're in Chauvet, eh?

Sharpie Marker.  [Shudder]  Sharpie.  Marker.  Ok, first and foremost (and y'all probably figured this all out way before me,) KEEP YOUR SHARPIE MARKERS IN A HIGH, LOCKED CABINET.  They draw nicely and easily, which makes them a favorite for toddlers.  They give lots of beautiful coloring reward for a little unskilled penmanship.  Should one marker escape to fulfill its artistic destiny on your walls/furniture/clothing, here is a list of ways to remove/repair it.

Walls:  Paint it over.  Or keep it there, if it's done well :D

Finished wood cabinets:  The only thing I found that works without completely destroying the finish on your furniture is a product called Sol-U-Mel made by Mellaluca. The directions say to dilute it before using.  This won't work.  Pour it full strength into a small bowl (and open a window, it stinks) and, using a Q-tip or old toothbrush, rub it on the scribbles.  You will have to use elbow grease and keep dipping your Q tip/toothbrush into the solution.  If using Q tips, switch frequently.  It WILL damage the clear finish off the furniture, so you will need to brush a little varnish over the repaired area when you're done. The stain or paint under the clear finish should be fine. There are lots of water-soluable varnishes available at all kinds of stores, so you don't have to deal with turpentine or anything.  This is a bit of work, but it will repair your furniture.

Upholstered furniture: Ya, I gave up on this one.  Sol-U-Mel, fingernail polish remover, and WD-40 will get it most of it out, but it will also bleach out the upholstery and leave that lovely Garage smell in your couch. If it's a loose cushion, flip it.  If you can't flip it, artistically drape a lovely throw blanket over the scribbles.  Or if you're me, ignore it until the kids are bit older and just buy a new couch! ;D

Clothing: Are you kidding?  Don't even bother.  Time to go shopping, baby!

Poo/Pee/Puke. The "P" Trinity of Grossiosity.  I've broken down and cried more than once in my parenting labors.  The only time I've really lost it and truly would have given up if that had been any kind of option, however, was when I found poo industriously smeared all over the lower three feet of the kids' bedroom.  Ev. Ry. Where.  That's probably the closest I've come to a serious nervous breakdown.  But what doesn't kill us, eh?  And so, the PPP clean up guidelines:

1.  If you can chuck it, do.  Alex had rotovirus during an airplane flight from Baltimore to SLC once.  Did I keep and wash the FOUR outfits he threw up on and pooped all over? No I did not.  Baby clothes are not that expensive and they grow out of them in a blink anyway.  If I had been at home, yes, I would have washed them.  But on the road, opt for sanity and toss the poo. (Really thinking that should be the name of the book, should I ever get this compiled . . .)

2.  Keep rubber gloves on hand at all times.  Just get a big box of those medical style ones.  It's sooo much easier to clean up whatever if you're not also trying to not touch the whatever.  Hmm.  That sentence is bit garbled, but you know what I mean.

3.  Paper towels.  Again, anything that can be quickly disposed of and doesn't have to be de-mattered before it can be washed (read: chunks of vomit, globs of poo) is a big plus.  Scoop up the bulk with paper towels and toss it.  All these items compost quickly.  You're helping the environment, you good person, you!

4.  Vinegar.  White vinegar and baking soda are your solid go-to guys for all basic cleaning.  Vinegar will cut almost any smell and, if not too generously applied, will not leave a vinegary smell behind.  Hot water and vinegar will pull the lovely aroma of urine out of carpet, bedding, furniture, clothing, wall paper . . . not kidding.

5.  Buy a steam cleaner.  Buy a steam cleaner.  Buy a steam cleaner.  But remove the chunks with paper towels first.  Learn from my mistakes.  Um.  Ya.

 . . . it's in France . . . 

Red lipstick.  There is a reason our family portraits are spaced by years rather than months.  Getting everyone clean, dressed, and smiling at the same time requires months of prep and planning.  And heavy sacrifices to the Luck Gods.  So, was I surprised when, ten minutes before we were supposed to be leaving for the studio, Lauren (3) comes down the stairs with her face COMPLETELY coated with my lovely "Fresh Poppies" lipstick?  No, not really.  After all, it was the same weekend she had spread a tub of Vaseline all over the room and then dumped rice on top of the Vaseline.  It was my fault for not predicting this, really.

Soap and water will only go so far.  You really need make-up remover.  That's why it's called make-up remover.  Rub/dab/soak (which ever will work with whatever you need to get the lipstick out of) the lipstick with the remover.  Then put your kid in the tub and scrub the beejeebers out of them and dump lots and lots of water over their head to rinse the suds.  Be sure to make lots of comments like, "This is the only way to get the lipstick off, Sweetie." This may create a long-term fear of baths, but they probably won't get into the lipstick again either >:)

Yellowish food stains on baby clothes: Ya, I know, that's what bibs are for.  I'm lazy, ok?  And if you have a world-class spitter-upper like Will was, all the bibs in the world won't cut it.  Make a paste out of dry laundry detergent and liquid dish soap.  Another option is to use Comet or baking soda and liquid laundry detergent, but dish soap has stronger elements for breaking down proteins. Scrub the paste into stains with an old toothbrush.  If it's really bad, you can add a bit of bleach -- but it's bleach so keep that in mind.  You have to be really careful not to mix bleach with anything containing ammonia.  It creates a toxic (read: FATAL) gas.  Wash as soon as you're done scrubbing.

Here is a list of other reliable cleaners:

Hand santizer/hair spray: gets out ball point pen.  Be sure to wash the item after applying the sanitizer or hair spray. 
Fingernail polish remover:  This gets out any permanent stain.  But it will also remove any dyes or finishes, so you have to be careful what you use it on.
Peanut Butter: Removes anything mega-sticky like sap or gum.  The oils in the peanut butter break down the sticky.  Again, you'll have to wash the item.  Or just wear it full of peanut butter.  If you really like peanut butter . . .
White Vinegar: Excellent deodorizer. Run 2 cups in your dishwasher every month to clean it out.
Baking Soda: Excellent scrubber.
WD-40: Great at removing waxy, gooey stuff.  But it has a strong smell, so either ventilate well or wash afterwards.

Cleaners I don't like so well:

409: Great for counter tops, but will remove the paint from your wall while LEAVING the ball point pen scribbles.  I learned this when I thought it would be a good idea for Alex to have to clean up his wall art himself.  THIS IS A MISTAKE.  The fun of getting to spray stuff on the walls gives them yet another good reason to color on the walls :P  Lots of pen still on the walls, used up an entire bottle of 409, lots of splotchy paint on the lower 2 feet of my walls.  Opposite of win-win.  Well, for me.  Alex thought it was GREAT!  
Cheap dishwashing detergents:  They don't work.  They just make bubbles.  Which means they're great for making jumbo-sized bubble wands and improving slip-n-slides :D

And a final cleaning hint . . .

If you wash a shoe with a dog turd smooshed on the bottom and the turd gets stuck in the rubber ring where the door seals so that it remains unseen in the washer through the next 10 washes, the turd turns nearly white.  But it still looks like a dog turd.

Just . . . don't ask.