Phrases to Ruin Your Day

The frailty of happiness is an interesting concept.  That we can be filled with joy one minute and sent into sprawling despair the next is an aspect of life I find intriguing, albeit not very enjoyable.  How can we be so delicate?  Humans have to survive a lot.  We simply have to be a bit tougher.
 
 I have toughened up quite a bit over the past 20 years.  I cry little bit in my soul whenever I think back to the Innocent I was way back at the beginning, when I thought keeping track of kids' shoes was easy.  (Early research on anecdotal evidence indicates there may be a species of troll that lives in closets and eats right shoes.  Apparently the lefts leave an aftertaste. They believe it to be related to the Dryer Goblin, which eats one sock per pair. If we wait long enough, I'm sure someone will develop a reality TV show about it, answering every question we never had.)

Despite my hard-earned stability, there are still a handful of phrases that can and will and have ruin(ed) my day within 2.8 seconds.

To wit:
 
1.  "Uh, have you seen the photos of your son on Facebook?"

Setting aside the whole aspect of not knowing what new insanity your teen has been up to, having all of the Facebook world be aware of your child's deeds before you is just AWESOME.  It brings to mind a few considerations:

a) My child is an Honors student, with a heavy academic class load.  How is it, then, he did not realize that if photos/video of his stunts are posted for the world to see, his parents, who are also residents of the "world," will also see them?  Hmm.

b) Given the level of work and creative effort involved in some of the stunts, a quick and comparative review of chores/homework sets in motion a Quality Review and Capability Evaluation Panel.  You can set up an auto ramp on an abandoned, pot-holed dirt road in order to "catch air" but you can't unload the dishwasher in less than 4 hours.  Let's review that.

c) This has happened more than once.  More than twice.  One might think that he just doesn't care?  Ya, I know.

2.  "Um, the Idaho State Police might be calling . . .  "

Really?  I mean, really?! The state speed limit is already 75!  That's not enough for you?  And if it's not speed limit issues that are the reason for the forthcoming phone call, you better have one whale of an explanation.  Ugh.

3.  "Mmmmoooooooommmmmmmmm!!!  The toilet's not stopping!!!!!"

Among all things a parent MUST know how to do is how to stop an over-flowing toilet NOW.  Especially a, uh, used toilet, as it were.  First and foremost, take the lid off the tank and pull up on that straight metal rod thingy.  Next, holler for one of your kiddos to bring you a screwdriver or a wooden spoon to wedge under the rod thingy.  (Upcoming post: "How to get the full range of uses out of everyday tools.")

Then grab the plunger and start plunging like crazy.  If you do not keep a plunger by every toilet, Loki WILL get you.  They're cheap.  Buy a lot of them.  Don't splash around and make the mess, get that hummer down there and plunge with serious determination.  If you don't, YOU get to clean it up. 

Oh sure, you could make your kid do it.  Then you will have a bathroom (and possibly hallways, adjoining bedroom, and/or closets) that has been a) filled with poo-saturated urine water and b) been cleaned by someone who doesn't want to clean and doesn't know how to clean poo-saturated urine water.  Moms get all the fun jobs.

4.  "Mom, I don't feel goo  . . . "(insert retching noises here.)

Bonus points can be added by sending your kid to school when he "doesn't really feel so good" and waiting until the school nurse calls to say that your kid threw up in class all over his history book and his desk and three other kids then threw up and they had to evacuate the classroom and the janitor had to just throw most of it away including the text books and could you please come pick up your son?  Oh, and bring him some clean clothes as well?  True story.

5.  "BTW, I got a ticket. Last month."

Did you really think waiting a month to tell me would improve my reaction?  Did you think that TEXTING me this information would improve my reaction?  Because I just love to find out about things like this after the late fees, warnings printed in red, and threats of warrants have been piled on.

6.  "Hi, Mrs Davis, this the school principal."

Believe it or not, I didn't get this call until the last kid.  Wait, lemme think.  Ya.  Others have been sent to the Principal's office, and I've received emails from principals, but I didn't get a direct call until the last one.  Lots of teachers have called, however.  Lots.

7.  "Hi Mrs Davis, this is the wrestling coach."

Same thing.  Youngest kid.  Made it three weeks before getting kicked off the team.  

8.  "Hi Mrs Davis, this is the soccer coach."  

Oh wait, I WAS the soccer coach.  And boy howdy, I would have called me if my kid had been on my team.  Which he was.  Oh, you know what I mean :P

9.  "Please fill out this form and wait over there.  The triage nurse will call you soon." (Read: 3.6 hours)

UUuuuuUUUuuuuUuugggggghhhhhhh.  ALWAYS carry a book with you.  ALWAYS. Or take up crochet.  Knitting is good too, but crochet hooks are smaller and will fit in your purse better.

Actually, my mom knew a lady who had a bunch of sons and she kept a special cross stitch project just for emergency room waiting time. Finished it the youngest son's senior year of high school.  World's most expensive cross stitch, if her ER visits tended to go like ours do.

10.  "Mom, I think Matthew has ants in his bed." 

Wait.  What?  WHAT?!  He did.  He was "saving snacks for later" in between the 17 blankets and pillows and stuffed animals he keeps heaped up on his bed.  Bread.  Apples.  Crackers.  Cookies.  At least there weren't any lollipops in the mix.  He kept those on the carpet.  All pre-licked and ready to go. 

May you never hear any of these.  And if you do, Matthew has a lolly to share with you to make it all better.  Don't mind the carpet fuzz.