Male Human Development Course Catalog

Congratulations!  You are the new parent(s) of a male homo sapiens!  Enclosed is the required course catalog for proper completion of this 20+ year course.  Please follow all directions explicitly and retain packing slips and requisition forms for any exchanges or returns (Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!! If only.) 

As male-specific characteristics will take 18-36 months to manifest themselves, you will have between 3 and 6 semesters to prepare the following materials, supplies, and fees.  Coursework should begin immediately, but should also be continued throughout the full two-decade time frame. There will be a test.  Multiple tests.  Good luck.

An argument you can't win

Materials and Supplies List:
Duct tape -- 6 pallets
WD 40 -- 3 cases
Spackle -- 10 5-gallon buckets, to be purchased in 2 year intervals.  More may be required.
Wide spackle knife
Narrow spackle knife
Dry wall tape / metal plate patch -- 10, all sizes
Old Bath towels -- 24 dozen
Paper towels -- consult with Bounty for bulk discount
Bar soap -- 1,200 bars per year
Bleach -- 85 gallons
Large scrub brush
Small scrub brush
Elbow-length rubber gloves, 200 pair per year
Flat head screwdriver
Phillips screwdriver
Drain snake
Alligator Clips
Small, portable generator
Rope -- 2.6 linear miles
Buckle harness & carabiners
Hydrogen Peroxide -- 700 gallons
Band aids -- 16 pallets
Athletic tape -- 92 rolls
Bike/rock climbing helmet
Safety goggles -- military ballistic standard 438511(D)

Footie PJs recommended

Course Fee List:
$600,0000 Socks & Underwear
$4.3 million Jeans/Pants/Shirts/Shoes
$5,000 Jackets/Coats
$15,000 Replacement Jackets/Coats
$150/month Early Deposits to local Emergency Room
$65/month Storage Unit (for any furniture/memorabilia/collectable antiques you would rather not be broken, jumped on, fed to the dog, or buried in the backyard as "treasure.")
$200,000 Excedrin Stock purchase (recommended)
$500,000 Lego Stock purchase (recommended)
$20 Sunday clothes (if no ancestral Sunday clothes are available to be passed down)
All remaining funds should be deposited with your grocery of choice.  Direct deposit options may be available and are very convenient.


General Ed & Prerequisite Courses

Advanced Screeching

Screechology 195: Discrimination of pitch and wave length, deciphering of tone and tenor -- is there an actual injury or is he just really mad?

Speed Diapering 100: Two-diaper technique and tips for cleaning up unexpected fountains.


Basic Carpentry 101: Dry wall repair, dining room furniture repair, and knowing when to call the professional.

Basic Plumbing 105: Toilets, U-bend removal, and toilets.

Basic First Aid 100: Boo-boos, "broken" legs, snot control, and simple foreign body removal.


Course Work by Discipline

PHILOSOPHY

The hat says it all

Logic 110: Nuances of "No" and "Why."

Logic 265: (Prereq Med 101, Screech 195) Understanding the rationality of "No Fair" and "He made me hit him."

Logic 351: (Prereq BL 101, Concurrent enrollment in Med 351 recommended) Contemplations of "Idunno" and "Cuz."

Logic 605: (Instructor approval required, prereq Med 525) Discussions of Omniscience at age 18.


ORGANIZATIONAL BEHAVIOR
Meditations 101: Counting to 10, the fundamentals.

Meditations 351: (Prereq Med 101,  Logic 110) The World of Om and finding your inner sanctuary during meal prep times.

Meditations 525: (Prereq Med 351, Body Lang 403, Logic 265) Tuning it all out, unless the house really IS on fire.


COMMUNICATIONS

The face says it all

Body Language 101: Understanding Scream, Cry, Kick.

Body Language 403: (Prereq BL 101, Logic 265, Med 351) Understanding Punch, Mumble, Shrug. 

Basic Sports Terminology 220: All western hemisphere major sports, Cricket excluded in lower level coursework.  Advanced Sports Mysteries 501 covers Cricket, Figure Skating, and Professional Soccer (Football) Penalty Calls.

Basic Animal Terminology 201: Small mammals, tropical fish, and local insect life that should stay OUT of the house.

Advanced Animal Terminology 385: Large mammals, amphibians, and reptiles that should stay IN the tank.

Music Appreciation 295: Instructional guidelines for using YouTube, SongLyric, and Wikipedia to figure out what that song is really about, that he's listening to.  All day.  Every day.


FACILITIES AND PUBLIC MANAGEMENT
Large Quantity Cookery 202: The value of peanut butter, spaghetti, and chocolate milk.

Toxic Waste Control 285: Advanced Laundry.  Includes odor containment and elimination, debates on when to toss rather than wash, and detergent quantity analysis: is there such a thing as too much?

C'mon, how can you not have fun?

PSYCHOLOGY
Joke Tolerance 130: Knock Knock and all its permutations.
  
Joke Tolerance 495: (Prereq JT 130, Med 101) Chuck Norris.  Additional reading required: Yo Momma and Chicken Butt.  Full anthologies will be covered, additional course fee can be paid to either Starbucks or Diet Coke, depending on caffeine intake preference.

Military Strategy 150:  Concurrent enrollment in Logic 101 is recommended.  Bathing regulations, body function control, and stealth bedtime avoidance detection.

Military Strategy 401: (Prereq MS 150, Logic 265, Med 351) Detente approaches to tattoos, piercings, girlfriends, and facial hair. 


. . . Oh, and you might want to grab some diapers and jammies and stuff . . .